I think that everyone who has lost a significant amount of weight knows that having a support system is important. This support system can come in all shapes and forms. Many people who do Weight Watchers like to go to their meetings. I did once and decided it wasn’t for me. I found my support community online, through blogging about my weight loss journey.
In real life, I have been open about my weight loss for the most part. Most of my friends knew I was losing weight, but I did not tell every friend about all the details. With some, I was more comfortable talking about it, others less.
My best friend is one of the persons I was never that comfortable talking about my weight loss. I am not even sure I can properly explain why. I just never felt like she was being supportive in the way I needed her to be supportive.
She is one of those people who has never been overweight. Not even remotely. But that is not really it. I do prefer talking to people about losing weight who have been in the same situation, but you don’t have to have been overweight to be understanding and supportive.
I think part of it was that my friend gave very specific advice, expecting me to take it, and resenting me for not taking it when I didn’t. She resented me even more when, at a different point in time, someone else encouraged me to do something, and I took the advice from them. And I think that really, this is what it boils down to. My best friend was never supportive in a positive way, but instead in a way that made me feel bad and guilty (for being overweight, for not taking her advice, for hurting her by not taking her advice, etc.).
But as you may know, feeling guilty is really the worst thing when you are trying to lose weight. I do not need my friends to tell me what to eat, what not to eat. I do not need them to tell me that I need to lose weight. That I am grossly overweight. Or that I am risking my health. Yes, my best friend actually did that thinking that is what being supportive is all about, thinking that this may actually help me. I already know all that. I know all about the theory of losing weight, of living healthily. I do not need my friends to tell me what I am telling myself all the time. I already have a mirror. But knowing and doing are not the same thing. The doing is the hard part and that is something she knows nothing about.
What I need for my friends is to support me positively. Encourage me when I am doing well, not to give up. Encourage me when I am considering buying some inexpensive workout equipment, not say, ‘well, I wouldn’t use it, but it’s up to you.’ Tell me that I am a beautiful person regardless of my weight. That I can do this. Heck, compliment me when they can tell I have lost weight or just when I am wearing something that looks nice. Basically, boost my self-esteem, not lower it.
Most importantly, respect how I want to be supported and accept when I don’t take their advice because in the end it is still my decision. Accept that just because they are thin and know how to live healthily, that doesn’t mean they know anything about losing weight or about being overweight. Accept that just because they are my best friend does not mean that they will be my first choice of support for every single thing.
And if they cannot do that, realize that I’d rather turn to others for support and accept that without resenting me for it. But maybe that is too much to ask.
Have you had a friend who has not been supportive in the way you needed them to be? How did you deal with the situation?
I understand the position you’re in entirely. Some people think that because I put my weight, weight loss efforts, and all that jazz on my blog, that gives them license to tell me what I should be doing. While I appreciate all advice, I never appreciate being told what to do, you know? It’s a weird line to ride, but I do nonetheless (much to my family’s chagrin, I’m sure.)
AMEN TO ALL OF THIS. Couldn’t agree more.
For the most part, I’ve kept my efforts to lose weight rather secret offline and so people just complimented me on how they could tell how much I had lost whenever they saw me, without getting into any advice or questions or anything. That part I loved, heh.
But I get incredibly defensive whenever people do ask questions and I have to explain and justify my journey or my “techniques” to them. Everyone is so opinionated about weight loss and healthy living (I am, too!) and I know that people usually mean well when they tell you this or that isn’t the right or the healthy way to lose weight. But, as you said, these people usually only know the theory of all those things and have never had to actually act according to them personally.