A letter to myself

Posted on November 30, 2011 by Viv

Letter to myself
Five weeks ago, I had my last appointment with my nutritionist. She mentioned to me how my weight loss may slow down soon, that I may plateau, and that if I do, it would be okay. That I should accept it and just keep doing what I’m doing. Because I have lost a lot of weight within a short amount of time, and my body needs time to adjust to that new weight. Since that appointment, I have been worried abut plateauing. I still weigh over 80 kg, I am still more than 10 kg overweight. I am not ready to plateau.

And ever since then, my weight loss has really slowed down. I almost feel like my nutritionist jinxed me. In the past five weeks, I have only lost 1.7 kg. It has been going incredibly slowly, and it’s frustrating. I really want to reach my goal of weighing under 80 kg by the end of the year, and until a month ago, I had no doubt that I would. Now I’m not so sure.

I also realize that especially in the last week, I have been struggling with eating well. And even though, except for Monday, I have been sticking to my calorie budget, I haven’t been eating as clean as I used to. I think that part of my increased cravings for chocolate & co. stem from my frustration over not losing. The irony is of course that by eating more candy, I am ensuring that the weight loss will keep going slow.

I have been putting myself under a lot of pressure, and I know that I cannot just throw in the towel just because things aren’t going perfectly right now. I am not giving up. But a decent loss, putting me closer to the 80 kg sometime in the next couple of weeks would really help. 80 kg is not just my next mini-goal, it is also a huge mental obstacle. I haven’t been under 80 kg in years and I really think that once I get under 80 kg, it will be a huge motivation for keeping going.

Do you easily get demotivated when things don’t go well or does it only make you try harder?

On dangerous thoughts

Aside

On dangerous thoughts … or how I ended up 420 calories over my budget today.

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I know I only have 10 calories left for today, but wouldn’t wine gums taste so good right now? Yes, yes they would. I’ll just have a few. I’ll count them and weigh them and I’ll just be over by a few calories, no biggie. There, logged. See? Only 90 calories over. 90 calories is nothing.

Well, now that I think about it, I really wanted to try those crackers and the hummus I bought last week. I mean, I’m already over anyway, it hardly matters if I add a few more. I’ll just have a little. Just to try. There, see, only another 100 calories. 100 more calories is nothing.

You know what, I’m nearly 200 calories over – and I really want a few more wine gums. It hardly makes a difference anymore, does it? What’s another 100 when you’re already over by 200?

Oh shit, I remember I had a few peanuts and gummy bears at work too, and I forgot to log them … What? 420 over?! That’s an entire meal’s worth of calories! How did I manage to mess up so bad?

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Welcome to my thoughts. This kind of thought process may sound familiar to you, or maybe it doesn’t. I know it does to me. It’s the kind of thinking that got me here in the first place. Only then my ‘it doesn’t make a difference anymore anyway’ thinking made me a whole bag of gummy bears or chips or a whole bar of chocolate. Only then I wouldn’t have made up for it with exercise the next day. I know how to limit the physical damage – and I know that one day over will not make too big a difference in the long run.

But the thoughts? That’s the really bad part of it. It tells me that old habits die hard and mine haven’t. Not entirely. Falling back into old thinking and habits is a much more dangerous prospect than going over my budget by 420 calories today.

The silver lining? I see it now. I recognize my unhealthy habits and my old thought patterns, and I know that’s the first step to not making the same mistake again.

On recent NSVs

Posted on November 28, 2011 by Viv

Let’s be honest, we all love it when the scale keeps showing a smaller number every week. Well, I know I do. But there are also other victories that matter just as much – non-scale victories.

As I am approaching the 15 kg lost mark, I have been experiencing a few of these NSVs.

Exhibit #1: The magic jeans

A few weeks ago, I bought a new pair of jeans. I am trying not to buy more clothes, especially jeans or pants, than I absolutely need to, but I also want to feel comfortable in my clothes. When I had the opportunity to buy a pair of inexpensive jeans that fit me perfectly, I took it. For a few days after I bought them, I wore them to work and I kept getting comments on my weight loss, even from several people that never commented on it before. I decided that it must be due to the jeans because they fit really well so you can see how I have slimmed down. While it is also a tiny bit awkward for me to have my co-workers comment on my weight loss (I mean, that implies they noticed my weight gain too), I really do appreciate the compliments I have been getting as they remind me that all this hard work is worth it.

Exhibit #2: Size 40 workout clothes

On Saturday, I decided to shop for new workout clothes. I have running clothes that fit me well and I have plenty of capri-length workout pants that also fit, but my one pair of workout pants has been getting bigger and bigger to the point where I keep having to pull them up. I managed to score a pair of pants, a pair of capri pants with a skirt and a shirt on sale – the best part being that they were all a size 40, though. (That’s a US size 10 or UK size 14.) Granted, I know I am not really a size 40 and this is vanity sizing gone a little wild, but you know what? I don’t care. They’re a size 40 and they fit me.

Exhibit #3: Starting to like my mirror image again

More and more often, I like what I see when I look in the mirror lately. I know I’m not at my goal yet, but I am liking my body better again. Believe me, when I gained all this weight, I didn’t like myself very much. I saw it every time I looked in the mirror. These days, I am almost happy with what I see. I still have a lot of weight to lose, but I am so much happier with my shape already. My body looks more balanced again, and I am so happy with how much flatter my tummy is. It’s such a good feeling not to be disgusted by what you see in the mirror. To look in the mirror and think, you look good girl, keep it up! Because no matter what everyone else says, we are our own harshest critics. I am no stranger to thinking things about myself I would allow no friend of mine to say about me. It’s good to be a better friend to myself again – and it’s a much healthier mindset for losing weight.

On a scale victory

Last but not least, even though the scale has been moving a little more slowly lately, I have hit one important mile stone that you can’t find on my list of goals. I wanted to lose all the weight I had gained since I started my job in January. As of last week, I have. I am now a little under the weight I was when I started my job and at my lowest weight of 2011. While I hate the idea that my co-workers will always think of me as the girl who gained 14 kg in her first six months at the company, I am very happy that I managed to lose them again before hitting my first anniversary at the job. I hope that one day they will remember me as the girl who lost all this weight while working there.