On dangerous thoughts … or how I ended up 420 calories over my budget today.

___

I know I only have 10 calories left for today, but wouldn’t wine gums taste so good right now? Yes, yes they would. I’ll just have a few. I’ll count them and weigh them and I’ll just be over by a few calories, no biggie. There, logged. See? Only 90 calories over. 90 calories is nothing.

Well, now that I think about it, I really wanted to try those crackers and the hummus I bought last week. I mean, I’m already over anyway, it hardly matters if I add a few more. I’ll just have a little. Just to try. There, see, only another 100 calories. 100 more calories is nothing.

You know what, I’m nearly 200 calories over – and I really want a few more wine gums. It hardly makes a difference anymore, does it? What’s another 100 when you’re already over by 200?

Oh shit, I remember I had a few peanuts and gummy bears at work too, and I forgot to log them … What? 420 over?! That’s an entire meal’s worth of calories! How did I manage to mess up so bad?

___

Welcome to my thoughts. This kind of thought process may sound familiar to you, or maybe it doesn’t. I know it does to me. It’s the kind of thinking that got me here in the first place. Only then my ‘it doesn’t make a difference anymore anyway’ thinking made me a whole bag of gummy bears or chips or a whole bar of chocolate. Only then I wouldn’t have made up for it with exercise the next day. I know how to limit the physical damage – and I know that one day over will not make too big a difference in the long run.

But the thoughts? That’s the really bad part of it. It tells me that old habits die hard and mine haven’t. Not entirely. Falling back into old thinking and habits is a much more dangerous prospect than going over my budget by 420 calories today.

The silver lining? I see it now. I recognize my unhealthy habits and my old thought patterns, and I know that’s the first step to not making the same mistake again.